My Birth Story + The Life Lessons It Taught Me
The story of my natural, unmedicated home birth (and the life lessons it taught me)
I had a sneaking suspicion that my birth would hold some big lessons for me personally - that there would be things to walk through, sizeable fears to meet, deep trust and faith I would have to source.
And I can tell you….it did not disappoint!
I had also hoped I would have a straight forward, short labour - but then I’d have no lessons to extract to tell you about HA!
There were so many similarities in labour to lessons I had learnt out in the world in years prior - on faith, trust, surrender and belief, only it felt like this was a more accelerated / advanced / condensed experience of those same lessons in a few short days.
Writing this has been healing for me and helped me solidify the experience for myself.
I hope it has something for you too.
It’s about the birth, but it’s also about so much more than that. The medicine and learnings I took from this transformative experience have forever changed me as a person.
We decided before I got pregnant that we would do an unmedicated, natural home birth.
It’s what felt right for me and intuitively what I felt my baby was asking for.
Along with it just feeling ‘right’ what also drew me to a home birth was a chance to embody the principles I teach in a whole new way - such as deep trust, belief, and surrender.
I also saw it as a challenge the same way someone might prepare for an endurance or sporting event.
And I did prepare
Osteo appointments
Kinesiolgy appointments
Daily walks
Daily stretching
Belief work
Energy work
Aside from some reasonably severe pregnancy sickness in the first trimester, I felt amazing all the way to my birth.
I had no pain or discomfort in my body. I felt energised, strong and ready to roll.
In the weeks leading up to my birth, our baby was in a perfect position. It seemed like everything was lining up for a quick, easy birth (or so my mind wanted to believe…ha!)
For the most part I felt confident about birth.
I had watched a lot of natural home births on YouTube which helped to really normalise the whole thing. I felt I could totally do this unmedicated natural birth…until I hit 40 weeks.
Then suddenly, out of no where all of these fearful thoughts showed up. Here I was at the 11th hour with this big jumble of a mess in my mind.
This was not how I had envisioned things going and I was in some sizeable resistance to the feelings that were coming up, which only made it feel more intense.
Some of this fear was definitely my own, and also looking back I realise I had absorbed several other people’s fear too - people who had strong opinions about home birth.
I just wanted to be able to relax and I just….couldn’t 😅
I went past my due date and despite me and baby being perfectly healthy and her being in a great position, these thoughts only intensified.
In spite of the fear I was experiencing, when I could get quiet, there was also another feeling .
It’s hard to describe, but the best way I can is a feeling deep in my chest / heart. When I went to that place I knew that all was well.
This inner knowing was much quieter, and harder to access (because the fear was making so much noise!) but when I paused and got still, I could feel this strong certainty that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
At 41+3 weeks my labour finally started.
It was a Wednesday night and Ben and I decided to go out for dinner “could be the last dinner we have together for a while”…we had been saying this for two weeks 😂
They felt like very mild period cramps that I could talk through over dinner. We smiled at each other across the table at the restaurant, feeling like it was hard to believe that this was finally happening.
That night those cramps came and went. They kept me up for a few hours overnight but didn’t appear to be coming to much.
I woke up Thursday morning and went out for breakfast with Ben - another “last breakfast” only this time I had to stop eating and pause when the contractions came on. They were arriving every 7-10 minutes. I wondered “could it happen tonight?”
A collection of my good friends were gathered at my sister, Ginnie’s place, so I decided to head out there and catch up with them. I managed a glass of celebratory bubbles with them so thought I must be a while off!
I got home after lunch and found the contractions starting to get pretty uncomfortable. Still pretty erratic but anywhere between 7,8 and 10 mins apart, sometimes longer. I called Ben and said I wanted him home early from work.
I bounced on my wall, continued with my exercises, watched TV and they still came and went. Overnight Thursday (going into Friday) they got more intense I would say around a 6-7/10 pain. I wondered what real labour would be like because these were feeling really strong! I used my breath and when the contraction was over the relief was amazing.
My midwife came over on Friday morning to check me. After an intense night, the contractions had died off again. After checking me she said I was barely dilated which felt really disappointing as I had been in a lot of discomfort overnight. She said I was having Prodromal Labour.
She reassured me that the baby was fine and healthy and I would very soon, be meeting her but I had some serious doubts about that!
Lying in bed with the curtains closed feeling a bit sorry for myself I asked my midwife Kirsten, “What more can I do to make this happen? Should I do more stretching? Bounce on the Swiss ball more? Walk the whole afternoon?”
What she told me in that moment has had a lasting impact on me. She replied: “You don’t need to do anything, you just need to rest.”
It was so simple, but so profound and exactly what I needed to hear.
Not just for the birth itself, but I later realised it was a reminder for all things we are creating, birthing and bringing into the word.
(I’ll be sharing more about that below)
Kirsten left and the day carried on. I remember it was a hot December Friday.
I had been couped up inside since the morning in my dark bedroom. I didn’t want to see anything or anyone.
I felt gutted about things being so slow, despite feeling like my body was working so hard for over a day.
From mid Friday afternoon things started ramping up again. Contractions were come every 5-6 minutes. I tried to balance the resting with the moving. I remember that I was wearing way too many clothes, the sun was hot, and when I felt like moving I could only make it down the driveway and back at a really slow pace, supported by Ben.
The sensation of the pain started to change, it wasn’t just the contractions I was navigating it was also this intense pressure deep in my pelvis (it later turned out to be a bag of water). That was actually more intense than the contractions themselves.
My sister, Ginnie came over about 4pm. The intensity was about the same as earlier in afternoon. She held me, prayed over me and supported me through the contractions.
I remember I was reading one of Lucinda Riley’s books and trying to read for five minutes in between contractions to distract myself. I don’t think I got very far.
Finally about 7pm, all I could think and breathe were contractions. They had sped up to around 3-4 minutes apart and were pretty much a minute long.
We called the back up midwife, Jo as our other midwife was off for the weekend. She said she would be there in an hour. It felt like a big call asking her to come especially as she lived an hour away, but I thought surely this must be it?!
Ben got the water sorted for the birthing pool which was set up in our bedroom.
Jo the midwife arrived around 8pm and it started to feel more real. She was here - to deliver MY baby! Looking back, the fact this was even a conscious thought meant I wasn’t giving birth anytime soon!
I felt relieved she was here but there was also a subtle pressure I felt (from me not from her) to make this birth happen now.
She checked me - only 5cms. I had been having contractions since Wednesday night and very intense ones since Thursday night - how was it Friday night and I was only 5cms!
I tried to put it behind me and to stay with the contractions in front of me. I had quiet music playing, the lights were off, I gripped combs in my hands and used a Tens machine to help with the pain, both were really helpful.
Around 9pm / 10pm I got into my shower for an hour or so. The water was really soothing and definitely helped ease the pain, but that pressure deep in my pelvis from the bag of water was so intense (more so than the contractions).
I got into the birth pool, set up in my room. It felt relaxing and comforting.
I liked being in there, with my essential oils diffusing, soft lighting and music. In between contractions, it almost felt like being at a day spa in my own home.
I was in the pool for half an hour or so but it slowed my contractions down so I got out and went to my office to lay down.
It was about 1am by now and my back up midwife Jo said she had consulted with my midwife Kirsten and would check me and if I hadn’t progressed, would head home to give us some space.
I said to myself: “You won’t be going anywhere, there is no way I’ve been through this kind of pressure for 5-6 hours and I’m not further along!”
Jo checked me, and the baby and I couldn’t believe what she said - I was still only 5cms. I was gutted but I couldn’t allow myself to feel the huge disappointment that was rising in me becauseI knew I would fall apart if I did.
She told me she was going to leave for a few hours because I was very much in my head (ha!) and her being there can put more pressure on the birthing mother to make something happen.
She told me it looked like I was fighting each contraction, and that my job was to breathe into them and let them wash through me and to try to sleep and get some rest in between them. She left around 1:30am.
Ben was exhausted too after supporting me for over two days, so he went to sleep in our spare room.
Ginnie stayed with me, holding my hand and meeting me at every contraction. I kept saying to her I didn’t think I could do it. She breathed so much faith and belief into me and told me that I could and that I would.
I was calculating in my mind how I would get to hospital and get an epidural. I thought about how I would get into the car and how long it might take to get one once I got to the hospital. I was over it and ready for this to be done.
I had been trying to surrender for the last two days, but looking back also trying to do the whole birth thing in my own strength.
There was something about Jo the midwife leaving, and only being 5cms still, that pushed me to my absolute limit.
And then I surrendered…fully.
I couldn’t go any further in my own strength, I had to allow something bigger than me to take over.
I prayed….“Do what you need to do - this whole thing is yours.”
I didn’t care if I had to go to hospital or if my baby needed to be birthed another way than I had planned. I was utterly spent from my trying to do it all myself.
From there, I started to feel myself slipping more out of my conscious mind and into another world.
I was there, but not really there.
Lying on my bed, I took tiny pockets of sleep for a couple of minutes at a time in between contractions. I felt myself letting go more and more.
At around 3am, after one of my contractions I felt a huge gush of water. Finally my water breaking!
I must have gone from 5cm to fully dilated within a few hours.
Ginnie had been sleeping for those tiny moments too and I woke her up.
And with that release of water, I instantly felt like I needed to push.
Ginnie ran to get Ben who was in the other room.
Ben called Jo, the midwife back. There were some thoughts drifting into my mind that perhaps she wouldn’t make it and that Ginnie and Ben would have to deliver the baby - I honestly didn’t care at this point.
At this point there was no space or room for any managing or controlling of the outcome.
I didn’t feel out of control though. I felt so supported. I knew God was there, holding me and ushering my baby into the world.
It was one of those moments where you come so close to touching the other side. All I could do was totally trust that it wasn’t just me delivering this baby and also that my body knew how to do this.
Ginnie was waiting out at the gate at 3am in the pitch black for Jo, the midwife to return. She called her several times over the 20 minutes it took her to get back, because my body just kept pushing and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Jo calmly reassured her, we’ve still got time, that this can go on for a while for first time mothers and that she would make it.
Jo, returned.
I was lying face down, with my head at the end of my bed. Ben was there holding my hand. I could sense nothing but total confidence in me from him. His faith in me, helped me draw strength as I neared the finish line.
I had planned to birth in the pool next to bed but there was absolutely no way I’d be getting off the bed.
I called out to Jo and wondered why she kept leaving the room.
It wasn’t until after the birth I could see why. Home birth midwives attend a birth with very comprehensive gear. I think sometimes the assumption is they show up with a few towels and some essential oils! In my researching phase before getting pregnant, I discovered that it’s actually all the same gear that would be available at a birthing unit, only they bring it to your home. Kirsten and Jo are highly skilled professionals with enormous experience.
At this point the pushing wasn’t even really that painful. My waters breaking had released all that pressure I had felt in my pelvis and that, along with knowing that my baby was pretty much here was an indescribable relief.
Out of no where, I heard the voice of my lovely midwife Kirsten enter my bedroom. We had developed such a personal connection over the course of my pregnancy and it felt so great to have her there. She had been attending another birth and dashed over to my place.
The pushing continued every few minutes for probably just less than an hour.
When I think back to it, it wasn’t even really a conscious push, it was an involuntary movement of energy that I would never have been able to stop.
It was like I was just there for the ride. My body had well and truly taken over. I could feel the baby come out and go back in.
I said to Ben - “Tell me I can do this.” He said “You are already doing it!”
Then my midwife Kirsten said, “One more, careful push and she will be here.” I felt it build up in me and finally release and out she came.
At 4:03am my baby girl was born peacefully, safely at home into my arms. The room was dark, with only the twinkle of my fairy lights (and the midwives head torch!) and a strong and reassuring feminine energy in the room.
Eloise Estelle Langrope.
(Estelle named after my late beloved grandmother)
I remember looking at her and saying “I can’t believe that was you in there that whole time!!”
What a surreal moment.
This was a moment I thought about over and over for 9 months and to be finally experiencing it - it was incredible.
She came out crying and a perfect bright pink.
She had a lot of vernix on her body which Kirsten later told me meant she wasn’t at all late. “Late” babies tend to lose this before they are born. All that worry about going over, and her being late was completely unfounded (funny how that’s always the case with our fears).
I laid back on my bed and she lay on my front wrapped in warm towels. I was studying her to find who she looked more like. The first thing I noticed was she had Ben’s eyebrow shape!
The pain, the fear none of it mattered in that moment and I remember thinking I’d walk through it all again. It was absolutely worth it.
Ginnie called Mum and Dad to tell them the news, Mum had been up for hours sitting next to her phone as Ginnie relayed the progress to her via text. We called our older sister, Emma who was the birth team from afar. She was crying. Sharing the news was so special.
Our midwives were so respectful of that golden hour after birth and gave us space to sit in that miraculous new life energy.
Ben took over for some skin to skin while we were both checked and the placenta delivered.
The light, joyful energy in our home that morning was so uplifting after a really challenging few days.
I was checked by Kirsten and Jo on my bed, and required a few stitches, nothing too major they reassured me. (This was something I was actually worried about and wanted to avoid but it’s really no big deal)
I could hear a few cries from Eloise out in the living room as proud Dad walked around the house with her wrapped in a swimming towel.
I hoped into the shower, I was able to walk unassisted which felt great. I remember just grinning in the shower thinking “I did this!” and also “the pain is finally over!”
I had constantly wondered what the feeling would be like to have this shower. The shower straight after my birth, with a baby now in our home.
It felt insanely refreshing.
I felt alive.
While I was in the shower, our midwives Kirsten and Jo did a remarkable job of cleaning up (birth is messy!). Towels were already in the washing machine. New sheets were on my bed. It was as if nothing had even happened!
I put on my brand new PJ’s that I was saving specifically for post-birth.
It was about 6am. I walked out into the living room in my fresh PJs and my robe, to our two midwives and Ben and our new baby.
They weighed Eloise - a perfect 7 pounds 2 ounces. Not bad for a baby who was 41.5 weeks! It was clear she needed the extra time in there.
We dressed her in her “going home outfit” (we weren’t going anywhere!)
We shared breakfast with our midwives - croissants and coffee.
We sat around and chatted, almost as if nothing at all really happened - except for the fact I had this baby in my arms - wild!
Our midwives went to leave around 7am, my heart full of gratitude for what they had supported me to achieve.
I know I wouldn’t have had this birth I had always wanted, at home, and completely natural without their guidance and wisdom.
Their trust in the natural process of birth, and their trust in me and my body was so safe and reassuring. I spent many days in gratitude for their support and still do.
They closed the door behind them and there we were left - in our home, with this baby, our baby. A surreal feeling and a chance to catch my breath on what had transpired over the past 2.5 days.
In spite of my fear, I delivered my girl safely at home, naturally and unmedicated.
The outcome I had prayed and wished for (just an unexpected journey to get there) and it is by far the thing I am most proud of in my life.
Lessons From Labour
We don’t have to “earn” our way to the outcomes we want
Later that afternoon, I was in bed gazing at Eloise in the bassinet next to me and I heard some of the most clear divine guidance I’ve ever experienced.
This voice said to me…
“You didn’t need to work so hard for this, I would have given you the result you wanted anyway”
Wow - mind blowing.
Just recently, I read something on Instagram by Small Things Grow Homebirth that said…
“You don’t have to earn your birth, the length of your labour has little to do with how hard you’ve worked and how much effort you’ve put in”
This further clarified and expanded the divine download I received not long after she was born.
And this doesn’t just apply to birth, it’s also about all the other things that we want to bring into our lives.
It speaks to our cultural narrative about hard work, and earning our way to every outcome we want.
“You get what you want, through hard work.”
Yes, there’s some truth to that, but there’s also a streak of not feeling worthy of what we want unless we work hard.
I’ve shed layers of this conditioning over the years, and seen much evidence of good things coming easily and the importance of rest and self nourishment, but there was obviously another layer of this for me to learn via my birth.
I prepared well for my birth and physically I felt great, but looking back there was also a subtle energy of “earning” my way to the outcome and trying to control the outcome through a lot of preparation.
I remember reading about labours that went on for ages and thought to myself “That’s not going to be me! With all my preparation I know my labour will be quick.” HA!
I know many people who do no preparation and still have a great birth and it’s probably got something to do with the fact they are more surrendered to the experience.
Across those 2.5 days I learnt an accelerated and advanced lesson in surrendering - because in those hours and days there was nothing I could do to speed it up or make it happen.
I had to simply be with what was. And allow birth to happen to me.
Sometimes when things aren’t happening it’s not about throwing ourselves into more action.
You’ll recall when my midwife Kirsten came over after a day of contractions and I was still not dilated and I asked her what else I should be doing to speed this up.
She told me simply and profoundly - “Nothing, you just need to rest.”
Such important wisdom for the birth itself, but for so many other things we are waiting on in life.
When we feel like something isn’t happening fast enough, or on our timeline, the tendency is to want to “do more” to action our way to the finish line.
I’ve found very rarely is the answer to do more.
When we are waiting, when we can’t see what’s next, one of the most important (but difficult) work we can do is to be still.
It takes a lot of faith and trust to be still in the in the “in between” - because every part of you wants to action your way out of it.
In moments where we feel like we are sitting in a void, the place between where we were and where we want to be we are asked to go within, to dig deep, to source our sense of trust from within, to remind ourselves of our power and to know that all is well, even if we can’t see it yet.
The real work is actually in surrendering and letting go.
Your most wanted and heartfelt outcomes, won’t happen through your own strength.
There were moments during that labour, especially when my midwife left that made me seriously question whether I would be able to deliver at home.
There was a part of me that wanted an epidural because the pressure in my pelvis from the bag of water was too much, but I had no idea how I would even get into a car let alone get to hospital.
I also questioned many times during labour whether because of my fear, I would be able to have the birth I had hoped for.
I wasn’t having the blissful YouTube births I had watched so many times leading up to this moment.
At many times I didn’t feel courageous, or strong, I felt afraid.
But do you know what was more important than my thoughts in these moments? My willingness to let go and surrender.
I knew that my birth would be a co-creative dance with the Divine and this would be both a physical and spiritual experience.
I had been waiting to really “feel” this divine presence my whole labour, but up until my water breaking, it felt like a one-way conversation.
Looking back I see this Loving Presence was there, patiently waiting for me to get out of the driving seat and surrender control (and coincidently this is a reminder I need all the time in my life)
It was about creating the space for this Divine Support to enter because my own self effort would only get me so far.
Grace meets us when we let go.
We can sometimes use our mindset work against ourselves - believing that we will only create or receive something if we have “perfect” emotions and thoughts.
Can I tell you - not just in my birth, but there have been many amazing opportunities that I have manifested when I’ve been in sizeable fear, worry and doubt.
It didn’t matter that I felt fear, because it wasn’t through my own strength that my baby would be birthed into the world.
It didn’t have to be in “total belief” “100% courage”. The level of courage and strength I had was not perfect, but it was enough.
When I finally surrendered, it gave room for God to step in and make up the difference for me.
Looking back, I know it wasn’t Eloise who was stalling (she was in a perfect position for many days leading up to her birth) it was in fact her waiting for me to finally let go and surrender to this wild and completely unknown experience.
It was about surrendering all my thoughts and fears, my expectations of how I thought I was going to feel, and the entire experience itself and accepting the experience in front of me.
We have to go through the discomfort, rather than around it.
When I look back a lot of my preparation and also the first few days of my labour felt like a hesitation or an avoidance of the challenge of birth.
I wanted to prepare so that it wouldn’t be hard.
I was staying on the outskirts of labour for several days because I wanted to avoid the discomfort - emotionally and physically.
This seems understandable, I hadn’t done it before, it was completely unknown and I was doing it at home, without pain relief or drugs.
I now see this as having a lot of parallels to “outside life”.
Sometimes we know there’s somewhere we need to journey to, a new path we are being called to walk, something new we must create or somewhere else we need to be.
We can hesitate to step forward and go “all in” on this new experience because we know this new path will be filled with unknowns, that it will stretch us and at times make us feel quite uncomfortable - there may also be a degree of emotional pain attached to it.
We want all the good stuff that the new thing is going to give us, but there’s often a hesitation to move from what we know into the discomfort of the unfamiliar.
But the truth is, to get the goods, we have to go through the discomfort rather than trying to go around it.
I came across a lot of content about “pain free” birth, and euphoric births when I was preparing for mine. I know that women experience these and perhaps that may be available for me at a future birth, but somewhere this messaging created a block for me that held me back in labour. I felt like I was doing it wrong. I constantly questioned - “Why isn’t this feeling easier?”
I remember asking my midwife Kirsten in the weeks leading up to my birth - something to do with “so will that make it easier to birth?”
She replied: “Birth is hard no matter what you do.”
I didn’t want to hear that, but also I needed to hear that. It’s about normalising the challenge of the new things.
Birth is hard, new starts, new pathways, new levels are often hard. It’s about not shying away from the discomfort and challenge of these things.
Ironically what makes it easier is befriending the discomfort they create in us, because then we are no longer in resistance to them.
It’s about knowing even though these experiences can be difficult, we have faced challenges before and we are capable of supporting our bodies and minds through them.
Hard doesn’t mean impossible.
Lastly, if you have birthed a baby, I honour your unique experience as much as mine.
Birth is sacred and transformative no matter how we birth - home birth, birthing centre, hospital, epidural, or C section. Every birth story is special and deserves to be witnessed and honoured.
No matter how we do it, it requires strength and belief and courage. It takes us to our limit and then beyond it and I’m in awe of all women who birth, however they birth.
Special thanks to my midwives Kirsten Read and Jo Ryde from Rātā Midwives who through their share presence helped me trust in my ability to birth.
It’s about the birth, but it’s also about so much more than the birth. The medicine and learnings I took from this transformative experience have forever changed me as a person.
And to my wee girl Eloise.
Thank you for choosing me to be your Mum and helping me find a strength in myself I didn’t know was there.
I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us.